•February 11, 2011 • Leave a Comment
How do you want to die?
That’s a question I’ve been asking myself for a long time. Being an overweight, out-of-shape Hispanic with a family history of Alzheimer’s, diabetes, mental illness and what I’m sure is a host of other surprises just waiting to be discovered as I continue to age, I have a pretty good idea already what the answer to my question is: slow and painfully.
If I had a choice, though, how would I want to bite the big one? And really, I suppose I do have a choice. I could always jump the gun and pick a fight with Big Bad Leroy Brown. Apparently that’d be a pretty reliable way of taking my destiny into my own hands and picking the time, place and method of my demise. As it goes, though, I don’t particularly have a desire to be pummeled to death by the fictional creation of the late Jim Croce. In fact, there are many more ways I would rather not go out than ways I’d be OK with dying. Naturally, right?
Continue reading ‘Death and Taxes’
•January 24, 2011 • Leave a Comment
Cause sometimes stupid is fun
1999 was a scary time. There was uncertainty in the streets as people prepared for the Y2K bug that threatened to wipe out the world’s technology and send humanity spiraling back to the stone age where we would have to look to The Flintstones for tips on turning our pets into household appliances.
If it wasn’t the nerds freaking out, it was the religious fanatics who, unaware of how decades or centuries work, thought the year 2000 represented the end of an era and a surefire starting pistol for the end times.
Even worse, in 1999 one of our nation’s favorite adopted sons was suffering a near complete career meltdown. Arnold Schwarzenegger had not had a blockbuster action hit in years — leaving the world unguarded against Eastern European terrorists and robots from the future.
Continue reading ‘Why End of Days Is My Favorite New Year’s Eve-Themed Horror Movie’
•December 2, 2010 • 1 Comment
Imagine if Wilco did Beetlejuice.
When I first saw All My Friends are Funeral Singers at South by Southwest, I was blown away by the experience. Walking away from the theater, I was a little curious if my extreme enjoyment of the film came from the fact that it was a genuinely great movie or the fact that I had seen the film with a live soundtrack courtesy of Califone, the masterminds behind the film.
After watching the film from the comfort of my home — sans live performance by Califone — I’m a little disappointed to find that All My Friends Are Funeral Singers doesn’t quite live up to memories of my initial encounter with the film.
Continue reading ‘Revisitation of All My Friends Are Funeral Singers Comes Up Dry’
•December 2, 2010 • Leave a Comment
Doggie want a biscuit?
I really wanted to like Wolf Moon, the new werewolf film from writer/director Dana Mennie. I saw what Mennie and co-writer Ian Cook were trying to do with their film and I could appreciate some of it — but in the end, Wolf Moon is a movie in need of some serious editing.
Chris Divecchio stars as Dan, a mysterious drifter who wonders into a small town where he meets and falls in love with Amy, a young girl played by Ginny Weirick. Soon, Dan and Amy are experiencing their very own little love montage — but things turn hairy when Amy discovers Dan’s dark secret: he’s a werewolf.
It seems Dan is the recipient of a curse passed on by his dear old dad, an even more mysterious drifter played by Max Ryan. When the moon turns full, Dan and his pa Bender turn into bloodthirsty killing machines.
Continue reading ‘Wolf Moon Country-Fried Werewolf Schlock’
•December 1, 2010 • Leave a Comment
Let’s go Bolling!
Rampage, the new film from director Uwe Boll, is morally reprehensible, utterly without merit and completely watchable.
Boll, no stranger to criticism, wrote and directed Rampage, a sociopathic bloodbath that plays like a mixture of Falling Down, Elephant and Grand Theft Auto — as seen through the eyes of an angsty teenager who consists solely on a diet of energy drinks, heavy metal music and a complete lack of hugs.
Brendan Fletcher stars as Bill, an emotionally distant young adult drifting through life seemingly without a direction. His days are spent either sulking in his parent’s basement, where he alternates between reading and wailing on his punching bag, or working at a local garage. Bill’s only friend is Evan, a would-be political activist who is all bite and no bark, and his parents want him to move out of their house. To top it all off, Bill can’t get a decent cup of coffee to save his life. Sure he has his problems but it’s not exactly like Bill’s living a tumultuous life or anything.
Continue reading ‘There’s No Giant Monkeys In This Rampage‘